Golf

Senior Rules of Golf

We had over 4 inches of rain since yesterday afternoon and the course is closed – water everywhere. It’s probably a good thing since my play yesterday was absolutely pitiful. I started the day with a par on the first and ended with a birdie on the 18th. In between, it was a disgusting display of shanks, tops, 3-putts and various shit shots that resulted in an 86 – probably my high score for the year. It got me thinking about old guy golf. Enjoy.

Your Hack

We older golfers could use some rule changes next year to make up for all the deficiencies we have to deal with.  Your Hack was provided with these revised Rules of Golf by an anonymous source.

Rule changes for immediate implementation…..For Golfers Age 65+

Rule 9k.34– If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so, because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.

 Rule 1.a.5– A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6– A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3– There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7– If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.

Rule 6.a.9– There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds”. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.G.15– There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.

Rule 8.k.9– Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy.

Golf is…above all…a game of integrity. Have fun out there today and try to keep it in the short grass.

I’ll leave you with this on this Thursday at the Master’s . . .

How about that Mr. Rahm?

Personal

Laws of Inverse Negative Dynamics

murphys law

  1.  Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

    2. Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

    3. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

    5. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

    6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

    7. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

    8. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

    9. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    10. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

    11. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

    12. Doctors’ Law If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

 

Consumer Advice, Realtor Advice

21 Commandments when Buying a Home

 

  1. Thou shall not view even one home without being pre-approved for a mortgage.
  2. Thou shall not buy the first home that you view.
  3. Thou shall not fall in love with the décor.
  4. Thou shall read and understand the terms of the entire purchase contract.
  5. Thou shall not be your own home inspector (unless you are one in real life).
  6. Thou shall not quibble with the seller over minor repairs.
  7. Thou shall not be your own lawyer (unless you are one in real life).
  8. Thou shall not spend the money you have saved for your down payment.
  9. Thou shall not spend the money you have saved for your closing costs.
  10. Thou shall show up at closing with a certified check (or wire transfer) & homeowner’s insurance policy.
  11. Thou shall not send pictures of your pay stub from your iPhone.
  12. Thou shall not take a credit card advance for your down payment or closing costs.
  13. Thou shall not keep your down payment money in the freezer or under a mattress.
  14. Thou shall not take 3 weeks to submit additional documentation requested by the underwriter.
  15. Thou shall not expect the home to appraise higher than other homes in the neighborhood.
  16. Thou shall not send 5 pages of bank statements when the statement says there are 6 pages.
  17. Thou shall not cross out account numbers on your bank statement.
  18. Thou shall not cross out social security numbers on tax returns, W-2’s or paycheck stubs.
  19. Thou shall not complain about interest rates being lower on TV if your credit score is below 700.
  20. Thou shall not have NSF fees on your bank statements.
  21. Thou shall not open a new credit card account.
Realtor Advice, Sales

Just a Little Listing Agent Humor for You…

Hope you get a laugh from these “funnies” today.

Please share your favorite, humorous listing story with me!

Closing Attorney: There was a problem with the title because a deceased aunt had a “title interest” in the property that the borrower was purchasing from the “estate”. I called the borrower and informed him that we would need proof of death. He called back, said that he had the documentation and would bring it to closing to clear up the problem. The borrower showed up to close with a Polaroid picture of this aunt’s tombstone.”

Realtor: The buyer told me that he lived in the same house for 10 years. When I checked (his residency), he’d still be there today if the Governor had not pardoned him.

Realtor: The sellers told me the house was near the water! It was in the basement.

Seller to listing agent: “I have a temporary mortgage.” “What do you mean temporary?” “Until they foreclose!”

Developer Sign: “We have LOTS to be thankful for.”

Realtor: “I just listed a maintenance free home”. In the last 25 years, there hasn’t been any maintenance.

Seller to Surveyor: If you want to know where the property line is, just watch the neighbors cut the grass.

Realtor Advice

Why Do We (the mortgage company) Need Your Paperwork?

If you had $200,000 to hand out to complete strangers, wouldn’t you be cautious who you gave it to?  Of course you would!

This is why, at the beginning of your transaction, you will be asked many questions about you, your finances and your credit.  You’ll need to disclose everything.

Why?  The mortgage process is a great equalizer; it does not matter if you are rich or poor, every consumer is treated as though they are lying and committing fraud until we prove otherwise. No matter how much documentation we collect up front, you will likely be asked to produce more throughout the process.  This is a painstaking process.  Accepting the multiple requests for redundant documentation necessary for lender approval and making those documents available as soon as possible will make the approval process easier. Continue reading

Mortgage Business

The Perfect Mortgage Loan Application

This was taken from Forbes magazine last year and it has not gotten any better.  Enjoy.

The media has it all wrong – securing mortgage approval and satisfying credit underwriting guidelines are not the difficulties plaguing mortgage consumers. It’s in meeting the rigorous documentation requirements that most people fall flat. The good news is, the fix is simple. Just scan, photocopy, fax, and deliver every aspect of your financial life. Then, shortly before closing, check everything again.

Mortgage consumers who enter the mortgage approval process ready to battle their chosen mortgage lender will come out with a nightmare story to tell. As the process, requirements, and guidelines are the same for everybody, your mindset is the game-changer. Accepting the redundant documentation necessary for lender approval will make everyone’s life easier. Continue reading

Personal, Realtor Advice, Sales

End of the World Default Clause

As we finish up 2012 and are on the verge of the “Zombie Holocaust”, I wanted to share a new default clause we are adding to all of our loan documents.  Special thanks to Lori for sending me this today.

DEFAULT CLAUSE

 

            12.7    END OF WORLD.  In the event that the world as known to mankind shall come to an end, whether through natural forces (including, without limitation, plague, drought, earthquakes, hurricanes, and floods), manmade forces (including, without limitation, nuclear or biological war, pollution and global warming), or divine forces (including, without limitation, the Second Coming, the Mayan Cataclysm, and the Rapture, regardless of religious affiliation of Bank or Borrower), then, in such event, all outstanding principal, interest, fees and charges remaining under the Loan Documents shall immediately become due and payable to Bank at Bank’s offices or designated shelter, without notice of any kind of character, all such notice being hereby waived by Borrower, and Borrower agrees that the end of the world shall not be deemed or construed to constitute a valid excuse or defense to payment; provided further, that in the event that the end of the world shall be divinely inspired, then, in such event, Borrower further agrees that Bank shall be aligned with forces of goodness and light, and Borrower shall be aligned with the forces of evil and darkness, and that Borrower shall be cast into a pit of fire until all sums owing under the Loan Documents, including attorney fees, shall be fully paid; provided further, that in the event that Borrower should be reincarnated subsequent to the end of the world, whether as an animal, vegetable or mineral, then, in such event, Bank shall have and possess, in addition to the collateral stated in the Loan Documents, a security interest in all of Borrower’s useful products, including, without limitation, any and all fur, hide, meat, edible portions, medicinal properties, and mineral rights, to further secure the prompt payment of all sums owing under the Loan Documents. 

 

Realtor Advice, Sales

A Little Real Estate Humor for the Weekend

Just a Little Listing Agent Humor for You…

 

Hope you get a laugh from these “funnies” today.

Please share your favorite, humorous listing story with me!

Closing Attorney: There was a problem with the title because a deceased aunt had a “title interest” in the property that the borrower was purchasing from the “estate”. I called the borrower and informed him that we would need proof of death. He called back, said that he had the documentation and would bring it to closing to clear up the problem. The borrower showed up to close with a Polaroid picture of this aunt’s tombstone.”

Realtor: The buyer told me that he lived in the same house for 10 years. When I checked (his residency), he’d still be there today if the Governor had not pardoned him.

Realtor: The sellers told me the house was near the water! It was in the basement.

Seller to listing agent: “I have a temporary mortgage.” “What do you mean temporary?” “Until they foreclose!”

Developer Sign: “We have LOTS to be thankful for.”

Realtor: “I just listed a maintenance free home”. In the last 25 years, there hasn’t been any maintenance.

Seller to Surveyor: If you want to know where the property line is, just watch the neighbors cut the grass.

Personal

A Message by George Carlin

I’d like to think that Carlin wrote this.  It’s an apt message for all of us I think – enjoy:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. 

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things. 

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete… 

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. 

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Carlin